I can't BREATH
I can't feel YOU
I feel EMPTY. Labels:
Dear Abah.

I need you like hell. I need a father whom i can talk to, who'll guide my path, who'll understand my silent and anger, Abah, i want to talk to you about everything; despair, heart broken, when i'm so deeply in love with something, or when i'm fall and lost in the midst of searching for myself. i need you to breath out my burden, lighten my guilt. I couldn't bring myself to talk to you about anything and why was that? Abah,i am so sorry for being such a selfish, rude and spoiled-brat daughter. I wish i knew what the hell is wrong with me, maybe i need a psychiatrist for that. Abah, i am so sorry for depending on you too much for not being able to be independent and do thing properly, just follow the flow. Am i making excuses for my own failure? blaming, pointing fingers every time i fall?

Abah, i need you to tell my stories, i want to hug you ,i need you attention, your trust and  being pampered by you whilst hearing comforting words " it's ok to fall, dear. Nothing lasts forever, so as your despair and failure" I will never compare you with anybody out there, i know i was having a bad dreams lately, and i need you to tell me "it's just a dream, don't be too afraid of the dark" and i know i was dreaming to hearing you saying that to me. I accept you the way Allah gives you to me, i love you very much, that not of these words worth your sacrifices you've made.

i'm, sorry for being such
a bad daughter.

i am such a mess. i'm sorry Labels:

it is tiring to see this love fall apart.
it is far more exasperating to see them give up
it is painful to see them in despair
it is hard to accept that nobody wanna sit and talk
why is it so hard to pull our hearts together?


A War (0)

I cried (without tears) 
As i couldn't even remember
What love means
How it felt like
What the uncertainty would bring me to

I shut it off

I killed my own emotions
The scars even hid its very existance
Veiled the blood stains
The emotions were forgotten
He thought it was for the right reason

But I was...

Screaming, calling for a savior
Pull harder to seize it once again

Just once

To breath

To feel

To have a story to be told
To have a secret to be kept


Give me a new one
The one that would understand
And adapt

The one that makes me human



Pilgrim of Hajj (0)

this would be my destination in a few years ahead, insyaAllah.
mama reminds me of hijrah before you'd ever dream of being there.

"By (the Token of) Time (through the ages), (1)

Verily Man is in loss, (2)
Except such as have Faith, and do righteous deeds, and (join together) in the mutual teaching of Truth, and of Patience and Constancy.(3) " 
سورة العص 

He's calling me. Don't judge me, people. Love me, guide me through my journey. I know i'm no way better than you, but i'm growing. 

i know how stubborn and obstinate i am, i give up on myself, Allah , a thousand times and i can give up, no more.

Giving up seems more wearisome, and exhausted than trying !

let's try some more.


The Beginning of Muharram (0)

oh forgive me!

will i be able to make this step?