HELP
I am DROWNING
HELP
I can't BREATH
HELP
I can't feel YOU
HELP
I can't REACH YOU
HELP
I feel EMPTY.
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Dear Abah.
I need you like hell. I need a father whom i can talk to, who'll guide my path, who'll understand my silent and anger, Abah, i want to talk to you about everything; despair, heart broken, when i'm so deeply in love with something, or when i'm fall and lost in the midst of searching for myself. i need you to breath out my burden, lighten my guilt. I couldn't bring myself to talk to you about anything and why was that? Abah,i am so sorry for being such a selfish, rude and spoiled-brat daughter. I wish i knew what the hell is wrong with me, maybe i need a psychiatrist for that. Abah, i am so sorry for depending on you too much for not being able to be independent and do thing properly, just follow the flow. Am i making excuses for my own failure? blaming, pointing fingers every time i fall?
Abah, i need you to tell my stories, i want to hug you ,i need you attention, your trust and being pampered by you whilst hearing comforting words " it's ok to fall, dear. Nothing lasts forever, so as your despair and failure" I will never compare you with anybody out there, i know i was having a bad dreams lately, and i need you to tell me "it's just a dream, don't be too afraid of the dark" and i know i was dreaming to hearing you saying that to me. I accept you the way Allah gives you to me, i love you very much, that not of these words worth your sacrifices you've made.
i'm, sorry for being such
a bad daughter.
-Ila
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I need you like hell. I need a father whom i can talk to, who'll guide my path, who'll understand my silent and anger, Abah, i want to talk to you about everything; despair, heart broken, when i'm so deeply in love with something, or when i'm fall and lost in the midst of searching for myself. i need you to breath out my burden, lighten my guilt. I couldn't bring myself to talk to you about anything and why was that? Abah,i am so sorry for being such a selfish, rude and spoiled-brat daughter. I wish i knew what the hell is wrong with me, maybe i need a psychiatrist for that. Abah, i am so sorry for depending on you too much for not being able to be independent and do thing properly, just follow the flow. Am i making excuses for my own failure? blaming, pointing fingers every time i fall?
Abah, i need you to tell my stories, i want to hug you ,i need you attention, your trust and being pampered by you whilst hearing comforting words " it's ok to fall, dear. Nothing lasts forever, so as your despair and failure" I will never compare you with anybody out there, i know i was having a bad dreams lately, and i need you to tell me "it's just a dream, don't be too afraid of the dark" and i know i was dreaming to hearing you saying that to me. I accept you the way Allah gives you to me, i love you very much, that not of these words worth your sacrifices you've made.
i'm, sorry for being such
a bad daughter.
-Ila
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it is tiring to see this love fall apart.
it is far more exasperating to see them give up
it is painful to see them in despair
it is hard to accept that nobody wanna sit and talk
why is it so hard to pull our hearts together?
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A War (0)
I cried (without tears)
As i couldn't even remember
What love means
How it felt like
What the uncertainty would bring me to
I shut it off
I killed my own emotions
The scars even hid its very existance
Veiled the blood stains
The emotions were forgotten
He thought it was for the right reason
Maybe.
But I was...
Screaming, calling for a savior
Pull harder to seize it once again
Just once
To breath
To feel
To have a story to be told
To have a secret to be kept
Please
Give me a new one
The one that would understand
And adapt
The one that makes me human
And
ALIVE
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Pilgrim of Hajj (0)
mama reminds me of hijrah before you'd ever dream of being there.
"By (the Token of) Time (through the ages), (1)
Verily Man is in loss, (2)
Except such as have Faith, and do righteous deeds, and (join together) in the mutual teaching of Truth, and of Patience and Constancy.(3) "
- سورة العص
He's calling me. Don't judge me, people. Love me, guide me through my journey. I know i'm no way better than you, but i'm growing.
i know how stubborn and obstinate i am, i give up on myself, Allah , a thousand times and i can give up, no more.
Giving up seems more wearisome, and exhausted than trying !
let's try some more.
mask. (0)
let's not lie to each other,huh.
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personality isn't something you can lie to people. Either it is good or bad. it shows.
i was facing this problem since i was very young to even understand what was it. being deeply immersed in it, with no hands to hold on, not even a barrier to cross, in between the lines of darkness and light. i've never stop asking myself about ME.it's a turmoil continuosly chasing after me.
the mask that i wore, i couldn't barely recognized which one is me, and which one was trying to get over my life. sometimes, in a nick of time, i feel sacred and pure,while some other times, the mask brings me to my other world of hatred, hostility, greeds, obsessions; at the end--------poff! my good deeds were all gone, and i have to start over every time i stumble into this trap. again and again and again.
i'm tired of writing, feeling the same old feelings,seeing ruthless sins by your own hand, as much as i tried to stop it, i did it again, giving up. it seems now, even my limbs won't cooperate my courage anymore. here i am, all alone, body without a soul, restless mind agonized day by day. oh, God, i betrayed you, i had nothing left, i thought it would be easier as time passes, but the mountain keeps growing.
i told sarah, i gave up.
"pernah dgr x ungkapan, maksiat selalunya x menghilangkan rezeki tetapi menarik munajat"
i was wondering what it means.
To Protect My Love (0)
Dear diary
I hope i will love God more.
Dear God just for tonight. I want to fall in love. I hope that
somebody will fall for me. Mutually fall
for each other. Just for tonight. Just for tonight. Let him remember me and let him count his sins by
remembering me and not You , and then, let him let me go. Let our love fall apart because
of the remembrance of you. But please, one day, Let our soul be one,
let us be one because of you.
After these days that I’ve been having headache thinking about
myself, it will be over in a few more hours. It will not kill my joy with
people, but might totally tarnish my love for a man. Right after writing this stupid confession, I will
make sure, not even a minute will I ever let my guard down just to fall again. Just
for tonight, dear God. Even though I might die tomorrow? I don’t know, but I’m
sure to love you, in a way that I have never thought of before. As for my fate,
and the worrisome jodoh things, this is my vow, to keep my heart pure, to
accept anything that might’ve come to me. Life is a choice, the labyrinth road, where I’m
pretty sure the ending would be least expected than what I’ve expected.
Dear Allah, I’m writing this so that my heart won’t spill
its honesty elsewhere. I want to stop doing this, the love to a man, that
absolutely will stain my heart from remembering you. I am sorry for everything,
for not being a good ‘Abd, for ignoring you for so long. If there’s still a
room for me to repent myself, I’d certainly want to seize the opportunity. Will
you accept me back?
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dari dulu...ujian ni sangat berat untuk aku tanggung,
Allah.......aku tak sanggup lagi buat pilihan yang berat ni....
nnti saat di mahsyar, terhitungnya amalanku, saat terbuka segala cerita yang engkau rakam,
apakah akan terlindung dari pandangan manusia...
Allah...aku malu...padaMu dan sekalian makhluk! Labels:
Allah.......aku tak sanggup lagi buat pilihan yang berat ni....
nnti saat di mahsyar, terhitungnya amalanku, saat terbuka segala cerita yang engkau rakam,
apakah akan terlindung dari pandangan manusia...
Allah...aku malu...padaMu dan sekalian makhluk! Labels:
"i like this guy" (0)
the truth ain't always easier to handle in real life.
to be done something inevitable and brought it to the real people, words are said but actions can ever be taken. there's a lot more to think of, and the world never really revolve around you, alone. the result may involve people's emotional stability, which is quite heavy to handle.
love speak its own language, and making it hard for me to even grasp its vitality and importance that would keep me on track, yet offers quite a good result at the end of my own crazy decision.
i have to keep it, until the day that it might kill me for keeping it away from him. since i tried to help myself from 'me', maybe with being in my own rehab perimeter, hopefully this effort pays off. from islamic perspective, this is not considered as proper way of approaching someone you like.
as long as i can keep my distance and be good, i will.
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the ambiguity of behaviorism (0)
salam.
it's been quite a while huh?
i've been witnessing new things like things i've forgotten.the same feeeling.
oh my..................., why me?
aku percaya, ada yang dilahirkan telah sempurna sikap, tutur kata dan manner,tiada temper yang perlu dijinakkan. bagi aku, tiada temper, lebih senyap (walau mesti ada yang tidak sempurna bagi tiap insan) berbanding seseorang yang memiliki sifat 'quick temper' lebih teratur hidup dan terjaga hati orang sekeliling.......tapi ! arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
perasaan aku tak terungkap.! segala yang telah terbuka hijab, bersaksi aku pada diri aku sendiri dan yang orang yang tersayang...., aku keliru, ya, satu kata, UJIAN untuk aku dan kau juga!
sabar, terus istiqamah dan percaya, kita mampu merubah dan melawan selama penat kita tempuh, nafsu amarah kita basahi dgn air mata dan kemaafan, mohon diberi ruang dan peluang untuk menjadi lebih baik!
dear brother, be strong and we'll be fine.!
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it's been quite a while huh?
i've been witnessing new things like things i've forgotten.the same feeeling.
oh my..................., why me?
aku percaya, ada yang dilahirkan telah sempurna sikap, tutur kata dan manner,tiada temper yang perlu dijinakkan. bagi aku, tiada temper, lebih senyap (walau mesti ada yang tidak sempurna bagi tiap insan) berbanding seseorang yang memiliki sifat 'quick temper' lebih teratur hidup dan terjaga hati orang sekeliling.......tapi ! arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
perasaan aku tak terungkap.! segala yang telah terbuka hijab, bersaksi aku pada diri aku sendiri dan yang orang yang tersayang...., aku keliru, ya, satu kata, UJIAN untuk aku dan kau juga!
sabar, terus istiqamah dan percaya, kita mampu merubah dan melawan selama penat kita tempuh, nafsu amarah kita basahi dgn air mata dan kemaafan, mohon diberi ruang dan peluang untuk menjadi lebih baik!
dear brother, be strong and we'll be fine.!
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Beneath the Rotten Heart. (0)
It was time to take a little break while my other friends,
still fighting with ACAD and design. My eyes sore, nearly blinded by those
lines, photoshop's coloring and arghh the deadline the day after tomorrow. My whole
body feel cold, shiver, and my head numbed! Countless times did i told myself to be strong
and to not give up architecture.
It was a moment ago did i opened the facebook, checking
notifications and having a small conversation with my chinese friend. Scrolling down the pages, one of my favorite
fan page 'Telekung People' showed something that inevitably touched my heart. Seeing the pictures of abandoned oldster, at
the house care, whoah....suddenly i forgot all my work and started to write this
little entry about myself and my dream.
Little that people know, even those my family members,
except my closest friends, know about my interest on social activity. Since i
was a kid, i can't stand but cried when i saw people at the streets, children
on TV starved, suffered from malnutrition, didn't even have money to buy food, clothes, it's the human daily basis
they lacked of, not some accessories to simply be put in your house! That's why
sometimes, i'll close the TV so i won't see the capitalist dancing over the dying
bodies of children, women and men all over the world.
See, how blissful our life can be? Still resisting on
thanking Allah, yeah. That's Insan- always forgetting ni'mah given to them.
My father would sometimes scolded me if i shut off or
changing the channel of his favorite tv3 berita or Buletin Utama. What a *** of
those mainstream TV, they play political biased, never true to the public where
folks blindly believes all the story even if its FITNAH! - (EMOING)
---------------
I still remember, in secondary school, i was not a good
student, i don't socialize with people, kept running everything , all by
myself. At that time, that's was the only option left, isolating friends, to
cater my own personal problems. The problem INSIDE, not outside. I don't mind. Apart of my crisis, which
definitely can only be solved after 6 years, being raped by my dark side, i was
also thinking about doing some charity job, or joining voluntary club, just to get to know people
and getting to know the meaning of life I've
longed for. But surely it remains intentions, since i didn't speak to my
parents much at that time. Huh. There's a few places I've searched on the
internet or unexpectedly stumble upon some pages, webs, and ads on radio. Can't
do much either. Life remains the same.
Now? There's always a rooms left in my heart to be part of
the members. Some of my kakak naqibah also introduce me to their activities
related not only to da'wah but also into helping people(which is part of
Islam's teaching too) and it's very
interesting to me as i keep my eyes on certain private organization, to maybe
get connected to them one day. I've joined few, but i don't think it is enough
yet. I want to do it till my last breath, because only i know, what my soul
ought for. My mind would maybe forget when i eagerly wanted to do this, but i'm
sure, as i know the world, i feel the urge to be caliph, to be good to people
and having a good connection to the earth.
The world do not
always gives you hell, as it is balanced since the day of its creation. Hopefully
God will lead me through my way to Him. I'll feel ashamed if i kneel down to
Him, in front of whole ummah since Adam,
presenting nothing, no da'wah, no good deeds, no continuation of
mujahadah, and wasting the given time. At that moment, i'm no less than the
ashes, resentment will lead me nowhere but to the hellfire.
Na'uzubillah.
Pray with me, upon our life and death shall be blessed by
Allah and His Almighty kingdom.
* I miss Ramadhan and Mekkah. May Allah give me the
opportunity to be there again.
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the indecisive battle. (0)
paying too much attention on so many things and i needed some space to focus on certain things .
the people i love, or specifically my friends, turned out to be my world's most feared relationship if they showed their very true colors where you can see it in a frantic, chaotic events.
i feel deeply sorry if i can't control myself from being irrelevant at times, and blurred by demands made by the people, you and the world.
the indecisive trait, grows in me,instantly . having to face the turmoil the world puts me in, the choices that comes unexpectedly and the road i should've chosen by now, making my heart sicken.
day by day, you, the world and some weird figures, they come from nowhere and slaughtered my whole little world inside, shaken my stand, do they really have to be this serious and forgot what we have been through all along?
why being so rough! i can't even breath, the pressure , the figures, i wish i was alone, and to only God i pray, hoping the harden heart may slows it beats, helping me walk through the valley, decides which road to cross, and which mountain to climb and put my stand on the very summit.
i wish i could. Labels:
the people i love, or specifically my friends, turned out to be my world's most feared relationship if they showed their very true colors where you can see it in a frantic, chaotic events.
i feel deeply sorry if i can't control myself from being irrelevant at times, and blurred by demands made by the people, you and the world.
the indecisive trait, grows in me,instantly . having to face the turmoil the world puts me in, the choices that comes unexpectedly and the road i should've chosen by now, making my heart sicken.
day by day, you, the world and some weird figures, they come from nowhere and slaughtered my whole little world inside, shaken my stand, do they really have to be this serious and forgot what we have been through all along?
why being so rough! i can't even breath, the pressure , the figures, i wish i was alone, and to only God i pray, hoping the harden heart may slows it beats, helping me walk through the valley, decides which road to cross, and which mountain to climb and put my stand on the very summit.
i wish i could. Labels:
reincarnation of deadly soul (0)
have you smell the rain?
does the air sooth your pain?
Or is it just the cold that reach your spine?
______________________________
i flee,hoping the pain would cease
maybe there's a place for me to reach
for a sec. put my heart at peace
______________________________
in a stream i drown
shutting me off , to dream
of obsession i fear to clean
that fed my soul by all means
______________________________
you move along with my reverie
the scent, it embrace with glee
the wind, it swirl,dancing on my skin
all about you,mysteriously shaped my grin
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does the air sooth your pain?
Or is it just the cold that reach your spine?
______________________________
i flee,hoping the pain would cease
maybe there's a place for me to reach
for a sec. put my heart at peace
______________________________
in a stream i drown
shutting me off , to dream
of obsession i fear to clean
that fed my soul by all means
______________________________
you move along with my reverie
the scent, it embrace with glee
the wind, it swirl,dancing on my skin
all about you,mysteriously shaped my grin
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i'm doing fine (2)
i want to be different. Unlike any other girl around my age. Its something i cannot hide, when sometimes, i fall into the trap, set by the world and i'm becoming one of those who were deceived by the con men, with their faces shield with some kind of inpenetrable mask, luring me to believe them.
And i totally screwed.
There are people we hate, with no reason. Maybe they are better than us , so, its just about insecurity. Or a stupid instinct to not get any closer than where we are, now.
To define 'i feel hurt' or ' i dont like this!' is not my line, well at least not anymore.none of it will TRULY affect me, as if i dont have a heart to FEEL , neither it is a happiness nor the cloudy day.
I gues my soul is moving a step further towards my own freedom. And i'm glad.... After a very long time , waiting and enduring the pain of excruciating hell been given as a TEST, erm... I feel free...and empty..
I cant explain.... Its hard....taking a deep breath,with my eyes closed, finally being able to exhale the worst of all memories. As in paradise...
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its time.... (0)
......to move.
aren't you tired of hypocrisy and being slaved by the world they created us to believe?
oh. as if i'm standing here, waiting for my head to explode of thoughts! damn.
i.hate.facebook.as.much.as.i.hated.those.who.play.their.ROLE.well. in.it.
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FINAL mess (0)
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| sian teddy,kna jdi alat pembersih pemadam kat kertas cm lam buku ni...hehe |
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| contengan pada papan tilam |
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| let me show you my room. tilam diturunkan utk dijadikan drawing board kekonon.((; |
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| part of 'accessories' yang unik. kehkehkeh |
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| ha...amik hang...... |
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| ha nih satu lagi |
doa.ku. (0)
ya Allah,mengenai urusan jodohku yang hanya ada pada pengetahuanMu,
ya Rabb, aku serahkan urusan ini kepada Mu
Jelasnya aku mencari yang mencari sepertiku
yang sepertiku
yang sepertiku
mampu meruntuhkan egonya dan ego ku
sebahagian dari hatiku berpaut padanya hingga ke syurga
pemegang kunci syurgaku
yang sepenuhnya dapat membimbingku
menjadi imam dalam masjid yang terbina bersama-sama zuriat keturunanku
aku mencari yang seperti itu,
walau masih aku lemah dengan duniaku
aku yang sedang mencari agamaMu
ketemukanlah aku kami bila sampai waktu yang tertulis.
aku redha sekiranya engkau menjemputku sebelum bertemunya aku dengannya didunia.
moga disana aku lebih aman.
ketemukanlah aku dengan agama Mu
aku tak inginkan sesuatu yang menjadi igauan dan angan semua manusia
aku hanya mahukan yang nyata, luahan yang benar
bukan angan kosong.
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rontaan batin. (0)
pemisah aku dan engkau.
syukur aku, engkau menginjak pergi
sedikit demi sedikit ia menghilang.
bayang-bayangmu makin pudar.
dalam diam aku ketar
dalam diam engkau beredar
dalam diam kita sedar
bukanlah milik tegar
pada rasa yang sebentar
benarkah hanya aku
selama terlafaz pengakuan
tidak sedikit engkau terkesan
nilai cinta yang diluahkan.
"simpan rasa itu pada yang sebenar.."
aku tahu itu pada yang halal
terima kasih
walau hadirmu sebentar,
hikmahnya besar,
aku kutip mutiara yang engkau tinggalkan,
buat bekal pencari Tuhan.
cinta ku padamu,menjauhkan aku darimu,dan mendekatkan aku pada Tuhan, Im.
aku melihat imam dalam dirimu.
aku mencari diriku bukan kerana mu, tapi kerana diriku sendiri.
bukan untuk menarik perhatianmu, tapi menarik perhatian Tuhanku.
benarkah?
ya, aku cinta padamu, tapi benarkah aku mencintaimu kerana Tuhan? atau aku berselindung disebalik cinta Tuhan dan khayalan dunia untuk memujuk diri yang menginginkan yang sebaikmu? aku berfikir, tentang apa cinta Tuhan, mencari makna panahan cinta manusia, adakah aku mencintai Tuhanku?
kalau aku menginginkan cinta Tuhan, mengapa engkau yang aku seru? mengapa engkau yang aku bayangkan? mengapa engkau yang aku cari,dan sebut2 sedangkan aku mencari Tuhan dan bukan kamu!
ya, aku berselindung disebalik, "aku mencintai kamu kerana Tuhan"! tidak! aku menipu diriku sendiri. aku mencintaimu kerana nafsuku , walau aku tidak pernah menilai kamu dari paras rupamu melainkan kebaikan dan agamamu yang meyakinkan yang akan membawa aku kearah yang baik, tapi secebis rasa INGIN pada mu adalah nafsuku semata2!
Setelah tersedar dari lamunan yang amat panjang, mencari-cari jawapan, ini jawapan aku, aku lepaskan kamu, bermakna, aku tidak menginginkanmu, pergi! kerana, aku ingin mencintai Tuhan, walau masih sangat JAUH untuk menggapai cita-cita setinggi itu.sangat JAUH. aku lepaskan kamu, wahai manusia yang aku sangat cintai, sedekat mana pun engkau denganku, aku lepaskan engkau pergi.
dan jawapan aku cuma satu, mujahadahku dengan nafsu dan rotaanku terhadap dunia dan seisinya tak akan pernah habis hingga ke akhir nafasku.
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syukur aku, engkau menginjak pergi
sedikit demi sedikit ia menghilang.
bayang-bayangmu makin pudar.
dalam diam aku ketar
dalam diam engkau beredar
dalam diam kita sedar
bukanlah milik tegar
pada rasa yang sebentar
benarkah hanya aku
selama terlafaz pengakuan
tidak sedikit engkau terkesan
nilai cinta yang diluahkan.
"simpan rasa itu pada yang sebenar.."
aku tahu itu pada yang halal
terima kasih
walau hadirmu sebentar,
hikmahnya besar,
aku kutip mutiara yang engkau tinggalkan,
buat bekal pencari Tuhan.
cinta ku padamu,menjauhkan aku darimu,dan mendekatkan aku pada Tuhan, Im.
aku melihat imam dalam dirimu.
aku mencari diriku bukan kerana mu, tapi kerana diriku sendiri.
bukan untuk menarik perhatianmu, tapi menarik perhatian Tuhanku.
benarkah?
ya, aku cinta padamu, tapi benarkah aku mencintaimu kerana Tuhan? atau aku berselindung disebalik cinta Tuhan dan khayalan dunia untuk memujuk diri yang menginginkan yang sebaikmu? aku berfikir, tentang apa cinta Tuhan, mencari makna panahan cinta manusia, adakah aku mencintai Tuhanku?
kalau aku menginginkan cinta Tuhan, mengapa engkau yang aku seru? mengapa engkau yang aku bayangkan? mengapa engkau yang aku cari,dan sebut2 sedangkan aku mencari Tuhan dan bukan kamu!
ya, aku berselindung disebalik, "aku mencintai kamu kerana Tuhan"! tidak! aku menipu diriku sendiri. aku mencintaimu kerana nafsuku , walau aku tidak pernah menilai kamu dari paras rupamu melainkan kebaikan dan agamamu yang meyakinkan yang akan membawa aku kearah yang baik, tapi secebis rasa INGIN pada mu adalah nafsuku semata2!
Setelah tersedar dari lamunan yang amat panjang, mencari-cari jawapan, ini jawapan aku, aku lepaskan kamu, bermakna, aku tidak menginginkanmu, pergi! kerana, aku ingin mencintai Tuhan, walau masih sangat JAUH untuk menggapai cita-cita setinggi itu.sangat JAUH. aku lepaskan kamu, wahai manusia yang aku sangat cintai, sedekat mana pun engkau denganku, aku lepaskan engkau pergi.
dan jawapan aku cuma satu, mujahadahku dengan nafsu dan rotaanku terhadap dunia dan seisinya tak akan pernah habis hingga ke akhir nafasku.
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