Pilgrim of Hajj (0)

this would be my destination in a few years ahead, insyaAllah.

mama reminds me of hijrah before you'd ever dream of being there.

"By (the Token of) Time (through the ages), (1)
Verily Man is in loss, (2)
Except such as have Faith, and do righteous deeds, and (join together) in the mutual teaching of Truth, and of Patience and Constancy.(3) " 
- سورة العص 

He's calling me. Don't judge me, people. Love me, guide me through my journey. I know i'm no way better than you, but i'm growing. 

i know how stubborn and obstinate i am, i give up on myself, Allah , a thousand times and i can give up, no more.

Giving up seems more wearisome, and exhausted than trying !

let's try some more.

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The Beginning of Muharram (0)

oh forgive me!

will i be able to make this step?

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mask. (0)

let's not lie to each other,huh.

personality isn't something you can lie to people. Either it is good or bad. it shows.

i was facing this problem since i was very young to even understand what was it. being deeply immersed in it, with no hands to hold on, not even a barrier to cross, in between the lines of darkness and light. i've never stop asking myself about ME.it's a turmoil continuosly chasing after me. 

the mask that i wore, i couldn't barely recognized which one is me, and which one was trying to get over my life. sometimes, in a nick of time, i feel sacred and pure,while some other times, the mask brings me to my other world of hatred, hostility, greeds, obsessions; at the end--------poff!  my good deeds were all gone, and i have to start over every time i stumble into this trap. again and again and again.

i'm tired of writing, feeling the same old feelings,seeing ruthless sins by your own hand, as much as i tried to stop it, i did it again, giving up. it seems now, even my limbs won't cooperate my courage anymore. here i am, all alone, body without a soul,  restless mind agonized day by day. oh, God, i betrayed you, i had nothing left, i thought it would be easier as time passes, but the mountain keeps growing.

i told sarah, i gave up.

"pernah dgr x ungkapan, maksiat selalunya x menghilangkan rezeki tetapi menarik munajat"

 i was wondering what it means. 

Berdoa tanpa henti.. Berusaha tanpa putus asa.... insyaALLAH ALLAH akan makbulkan apa maksud sebenar yang kita perlu... yang penting jangan putus asa.. . menangis tanpa bersedih... fokus pada pertolongan ALLAH... masa menentukan jika bersabar... semuanya amalan mulia... ujian ALLAH untuk orang2 yang bersabar dan orang2 yang ingin berubah kearah kebaikan... :) ust.Don

What would happen to a body that was starved, suffocated and then forced to drink poison? It would first suffer and then die an agonizing death. We willingly starve and suffocate our hearts by turning away form the remembrance of God. And then we poison our hearts through the bad company we keep, the garbage that goes into our eyes and ears, and emanates from our tongue…
And then we wonder why our heart feels dead.

-yasmin mogahed

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To Protect My Love (0)

Dear diary

I hope i will love God more.

Dear God just for tonight. I want to fall in love. I hope that somebody will fall for me.  Mutually fall for each other. Just for tonight. Just for tonight. Let  him remember me and let him count his sins by remembering me and not You , and then,  let him let me go. Let our love fall apart because of the remembrance of you. But please, one day, Let our soul be one, let us be one because of you.

After these days that I’ve been having headache thinking about myself, it will be over in a few more hours. It will not kill my joy with people, but might totally tarnish my love for a man.  Right after writing this stupid confession, I will make sure, not even a minute will I ever let my guard down just to fall again. Just for tonight, dear God. Even though I might die tomorrow? I don’t know, but I’m sure to love you, in a way that I have never thought of before. As for my fate, and the worrisome jodoh things, this is my vow, to keep my heart pure, to accept anything that might’ve come to me.  Life is a choice, the labyrinth road, where I’m pretty sure the ending would be least expected than what I’ve expected.

Dear Allah, I’m writing this so that my heart won’t spill its honesty elsewhere. I want to stop doing this, the love to a man, that absolutely will stain my heart from remembering you. I am sorry for everything, for not being a good ‘Abd, for ignoring you for so long. If there’s still a room for me to repent myself, I’d certainly want to seize the opportunity. Will you accept me back?

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dari dulu...ujian ni sangat berat untuk aku tanggung,
Allah.......aku tak sanggup lagi buat pilihan yang berat ni....
nnti saat di mahsyar, terhitungnya amalanku, saat terbuka segala cerita yang engkau rakam,
apakah akan terlindung dari pandangan manusia...
Allah...aku malu...padaMu dan sekalian  makhluk! Labels:

"i like this guy" (0)

the truth ain't always easier to handle in real life.

to be done something inevitable and brought it to the real people, words are said but actions can ever be taken. there's a lot more to think of, and the world never really revolve around you, alone. the result may involve people's emotional stability, which is quite heavy to handle.

 love speak its own language, and making it hard for me to even grasp its vitality and importance that would keep me on track, yet offers quite a good result at the end of my own crazy decision.

i have to keep it, until the day that it might kill me for keeping it away from him. since i tried to help myself from 'me', maybe with being in my own  rehab perimeter, hopefully this effort pays off. from islamic perspective, this is not considered as proper way of approaching  someone you like. 

as long as i can keep my distance and be good, i will. 

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the ambiguity of behaviorism (0)

salam.
it's been quite a while huh?
i've been witnessing new things like things i've forgotten.the same feeeling.
oh my..................., why me?

aku percaya, ada yang dilahirkan telah sempurna sikap, tutur kata dan manner,tiada temper yang perlu dijinakkan. bagi aku, tiada temper, lebih senyap (walau mesti ada yang tidak sempurna bagi tiap insan) berbanding seseorang yang memiliki sifat 'quick temper' lebih teratur hidup dan terjaga hati orang sekeliling.......tapi !           arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

perasaan aku tak terungkap.! segala yang telah terbuka hijab, bersaksi aku pada  diri aku sendiri dan yang orang yang  tersayang...., aku keliru, ya, satu kata, UJIAN untuk aku dan kau juga!

sabar, terus istiqamah dan percaya, kita mampu merubah dan melawan selama penat kita tempuh, nafsu amarah kita basahi dgn air mata dan kemaafan, mohon diberi ruang dan peluang untuk menjadi lebih baik!

dear brother, be strong and we'll be fine.!
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